30 Days of Me: Day Five

Day Five: Post a photo of your favorite memory. Why is this your favorite memory? What made it so special?

It's an awful photo, quality-wise.  But it's my favorite memory.  The day my walls fell down.  June 20th, 2006.

When I was a little girl people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I would say a mom.  Usually I'd get a response, "But what do you want to do, what do you want to aspire to?  You can be anything, do anything, don't you want to be a doctor or something?"  (I'm paraphrasing of course)

A mom.  That's all I wanted.  Sure, I wanted other things, but the highest on the list:  a mom.  Being a young girl with the ambition to be a mom.... you don't realize that it may not happen.  As a child you don't look in your future and ever see problems.  You always make the "happy ever after" in your head as you dream.

It took us three long years.  In that three years I hardened myself.  I lied to myself and convinced myself I didn't want kids anyway.  Just three days before the test I was at my mom's house playing with my nieces and took a photo with them.  I remember thinking, "They can be enough for me.  I can give them my all.  I can be the 'cool aunt'!"  (all the while carrying a secret!)

It's funny how things work out.  Just when I come to terms with not ever having a child of my own.... I take a test, really to "prove them all wrong".  I was tired of all the questions of when we'd have kids.  Tired of people taking my every ill feeling to "oh! you must be pregnant!"  So I bought a test.  "I'll show them!  I'm not pregnant and won't ever be pregnant"  That's what was going through my head.

I peed on it, threw it on the bathroom counter and then walked away.  I honestly forgot about it, since I was no longer actively trying to get pregnant, and knew I wasn't and couldn't ever get pregnant.  (I was a bit bitter)

An hour or so later, I walked back in to use the bathroom and saw it there.  Two lines.

I froze, and my eyes were glued to that one little extra line, as if it were an illusion.  So I stared, waiting for it to go away, because I couldn't be, and didn't want to be.  (I was a good liar to myself).

Then the brick wall I had built up slowly started to chip away, and this incredible disbelief and joy came over me.  I couldn't contain myself.  I was up, I was down, I was hopping, I was skipping, I was crying, I was laughing.  I did want this after all.  I wanted it more than anything.

Through all the pain and grief I had lived with, looking back, I wouldn't change it.  I was one of the lucky ones that, upon finding out I was pregnant, had no doubt what-so-ever that it was what I wanted.  I didn't have to grow to love him, while he grew in me.  I was hooked from the second I saw that little pink line.

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1 comment:

  1. We are TOTALLY related! Haha! Your story always get me teary eyed!


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